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Celebrate Intimacy

 

with Relationship Sexpert Larry James


Jokes, Funny Stories, One-Liners and more!

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•    •    •

To begin, here is a link to a few urban legends about sex. Go to: http://www.snopes.com/risque/risque.asp.

•    •    •

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.

•    •    •

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

•    •    •

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

•    •    •

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

•    •    •

Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun says, "I was going through the Father's office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns.
"What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.

•    •    •

A foreign gentleman walks into a pharmacy. "I'd like a box of condoms please," he says.
The pharmacist replies, "That'll be 6 bucks plus tax"
"Tacks!!" the guy says, "In my country these things stay on by themselves!"

•    •    •

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
Diagnosis:  The doctors said it was touch and go.

•    •    •

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

•    •    •

When is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

•    •    •

According to a recent study, sex on television can't hurt you. . . unless you fall off.

•    •    •

After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say "123" and it will rise as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. He is lying in bed with her and says, "123," and suddenly he gets a huge erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

•    •    •

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

•    •    •

What I Want in a Man! - Her view of the top 10 things she wants from a man - from marriage to age 72!

•    •    •
First time cartoon
•    •    •

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

•    •    •

My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.

•    •    •

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

•    •    •

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex at all. - Rodney Dangerfield

•    •    •

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur, milk man and the gardener."

•    •    •

Husband:  "Want a quickie?"
Wife:  "As opposed to what?"

•    •    •

Q:  How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A:  The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q:  How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A:  The sex is the same but you get the remote.

•    •    •

Q:  Why do men name their penises?
A:  Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

•    •    •

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.

•    •    •

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place . . .

You either married it or gave birth to it.

•    •    •




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